Wednesday, September 23, 2009

thoughts on my reactions to life

Yesterday was play-day in Nanaimo with my mum and grandma. That makes today Productive Day, and so far I’ve done things toward settling on travel insurance and finally emailing back one of the employment agencies (an email long, long overdue but there you have it. It wasn’t so much procrastination as insane busyness).

If I’m learning anything right now it’s to not make plans. By which I mean, to steal from The Good Book, to “not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough problems of its own”. Each time it looks like everything is settled and I can relax, there is a new upset. If I spend time trying to run over everything and make sure all is in order, I can easily freak out and live on the edge of stress. So I’m trying very hard to learn how to only focus on the tasks at hand. Learning very hard to set long term goals rather than immediate plans. To have ideas of what I would like, one day, rather than a set in stone plan of how it should be. And hopefully that will keep my sanity, and keep my interest in life active without making it controlling.

I am not really enjoying talking to people right now, other than a few trusted people who I can always count on to say the right thing. Most people and their well-meaning comments just make things worse. I wish, sometimes, that I could have better control of my logic so that my anxiety didn’t peak every time someone, trying to make conversation, suggests a new worry or problem to moving/living in Europe, but I’m not at that point yet. I know I can’t control other people, only my reactions to them, but right now it’s just easier to not talk to people! That said, I haven’t felt like speaking much in general right now. I’m content to just be quiet and listen and watch. I need a break. I only want to hear good and happy things, or other people’s problems that don’t touch on my own.

Not that life is doom and gloom. I’ve been having loads of fun and am starting to feel more rested inside. I’m also looking forward to being in England and traveling around, and to having an apartment. O how I’ve long for an apartment these last three years. More privacy! Not having to live with the quirks of an in-house suite! I’m also excited for the wedding. Can you believe that 2010 is just around the corner? And yesterday I went shopping in Nanaimo and got well stocked up on much needed items...including my new embroidery project—a tablecloth with butterflies and wildflowers on it. I’m almost finished my pillowcases (I should finish them tonight) which are also butterflies and wildflowers. I seem to have adopted a theme.

All in all, I’m turning 26 in a week and a half and I am starting to feel like now I’m reaching adulthood. 25 is supposed to be a milestone “quarter of a century”, but 26 feels over a hill. Not over the hill, but a hill. The little valley between 25-30. So it’s about time I learn to harness my anxiety into productivity instead of procrastination, and learn to enjoy each day for what it brings instead of always looking ahead.

1 comment:

  1. you are going to have so much fun in england~!!!!!! i can just see you strolling around all the old buildings and just becoming a part of the city. its so cool to do this sort of thing!!! and as far as what you wrote about in the second paragraph, i hear and understand... it was the same with me coming here to africa!!! so i'll be praying for ya!!! WHOOT ENGLAND!!!!!!!!